13:30, 2008-Sep-21
We've all had them: lousy fucking lap dances. Lap dances that turn your cock into soft tissue. The chick grinds too hard (ouch!) or not at all (blue balls!). She pushes your hand away when you try to touch her tits or grab her ass. She's completely disinterested in you. She's just working, and you're just another sucker. You're halfway through the first dance, and you can't wait for the song to end so you can get her off your lap. Of course, we've all had great lap dances, too. Dances you didn't want to end. Dancers who were so good, you tried as hard as possible to keep from popping in your pants so the dance could last longer. Lap dances that were better than sex. Nobody wants a bad lap dance. We all want to have a good time and get off. But how can we be certain that the next time we tuck our hard-earned cash into a dancer's garter, heaven awaits? Fortunately, there are ways to assure the perfect lap dance. We know. The two writers of this story have been getting lap dances for a combined 60 years, and now we're ready to share our knowledge. It's "The Uncensored Guide to Lap Dancing." No bullshit. We should print this and leave copies on cigarette machines in the clubs. We've divided this special report into three sections: "Do Your Homework," "Rules of the Room" and "Lap Dance Etiquette." Ignore one or more of these sections at your own peril. Read 'em all, digest 'em and you're on your way to lap dance nirvana.
